My fellow Americans,
As your future president I want to thank voters of all political stripes for their mindless support, despite my complete lack of any legislative achievement, my pastor's ties with Louis Farrakhan and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi, and my blatantly liberal voting record while I present
myself as some sort of bipartisan agent of change.
I also like how my supporters claim my youthful drug use and criminal behavior somehow qualifies me for the presidency after 8 years of claiming Bush's youthful drinking disqualifies him. Your hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over a sea of political chicanery.
I would also like to thank the Kennedys for coming out in support of me. There's a lot of glamour behind the Kennedy name, even though JFK started the Vietnam War, his brother Robert illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King Jr., they both slept with Marilyn, and Teddy's negligence caused the
death of a young girl. I'm not going anywhere near the Kennedy cousins, especially Michael Skakel.
And I'd like to thank Oprah Winfrey for her support Her love of meaningless empty platitudes will be the force that propels me to the White House.
Americans should vote for me, not because of my lack of experience or achievement, but because I make people feel good.
White folks who vote for me get relief from their racist guilt.
I say things that sound meaningful but don't really mean anything because Americans are tired of things having meaning. If things have meaning, then that means you have to think.
Americans are tired of thinking. It's time to shut down the brain and open up the heart.
So when you go to vote in the primaries, remember don't think, just do. And do it for me.
Thanking you in advance.